Hope for Tomorrow
by IdaKnight
Summary: I lay on my bed, eyes open, staring at nothing but the past. Post-premier fic told from Kate's P.O.V. Spoilers for Knockout and Rise.


**Hope for Tomorrow**

**Disclaimer: Castle is not mine. **

I lay on the bed, eyes open, staring at nothing but the past.

It's not like I have much of a choice.

I can't move. I can barely breathe. Memories surge up and overwhelm me.

I hear the shot and Castle screaming my name like it will somehow repel the bullet that has already torn its way into my body.

I feel the fire of the wound in my lower left chest but soon the pain spreads until it feel like I've been shot all over. I can feel Castle colliding with me and the shock of hitting the ground. It knocks what little breath I had put of me. I am limp like a rag doll.

Unconsciously, my hand places itself protectively on the scar slightly under my chest. It is cool and soothing on the mass of tissue.

Memories well up again, like water flooding a cracked and broken boat. There is no way to stop the overwhelming tide.

I am a sinking ship and there is no help in sight.

I feel Castle's hand under my head, holding me up, trying to keep me conscious. His other hand is gripping my arm like he'll never let go. I don't want him to let go. His touch is the only thing that doesn't hurt.

I can hear him begging me to stay with him.

I feel a tear run down the side of my face. It's hot. Another soon follows it.

I try and say something to him, anything, but the shock...

I realize I'm crying and quickly stop.

I feel the pain again. So much pain...

My hand tightens on my side, this real pain a relief from the anguish I had been feeling. I allow my nails to dig into my skin, welcoming the distraction.

But it isn't distraction enough.

_I love you. I love you, Kate._

His voice fills my head and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to block it out. It doesn't work. It continues to drift in an out, as if some outside force is turning the volume dial for my thoughts.

I have been hearing his declaration more and more recently. And I hate it. It's the one thing I don't want to think about, and there it is, floating into my head when I least expect it, transporting me back to the horrible day when my world almost ended.

It may be that I feel guilty about lying to him all those months ago. And even now I'm lying by omission.

But I wasn't ready then.

I'm not ready now.

I open my eyes again and slowly take my shaking hand away from my side.

I know that I – that I have...feeling for Richard Castle.

And he's not exactly subtle about how he feels for me.

But I can't.

I don't want to ruin what we have.

He's the best thing that's happened to me since my mother's murder.

He makes me happy.

I want to try, god, do I ever.

But I can't.

When my mother's case is closed and my walls come down, I'll be ready.

I'll let myself love.

Then, maybe we could...

But I have to solve her case first.

Something he has asked me not to do.

I told him that catching killers was enough for now but is it really? Was I lying to both him and myself?

_It's enough for now._

I remember what I was thinking. How it really wasn't enough but I would make it be. It had to be enough.

Because if it wasn't enough...well...I'd have to work the case.

I put my hand over my scar again.

It twinges sometimes.

Like when I think about the lie I told him.

When I consider lying more.

_I don't remember anything._

My own voice floats through my head.

I see his face crumple as I say it and I wish I could take it back but I can't.

It's too much.

Too much to think about, too much to worry about, too much happening.

I see the worry as I told him I'd call him.

But also the hope.

I see his face when I showed up at the book signing.

Anger, hope, awe, pain.

Such pain.

But I'd fix it.

We'd solve her case.

Together.

And then...

Memories flood me again, ripping me off the small island of hope I'd just built.

I'm drowning.

Bangs, scream, and confessions of love whir around in my head, slamming everything else out and I can't breathe I can't think I can't-

My ringing phone drags me out of the raging flow.

I loosen my hands from my bed sheets and, with a shaking hand reach for my phone.

I answer it and it's him, wanting to know if I'm up for a night with the guys.

Why not? I ask myself.

I hang up with a smile and I rise.

Knowingly or not, Richard Castle has once again saved me.

For now, the waves of memory recede.

Tonight, I will be with my boys; my team; my backup.

Tonight, all will be well.

And tomorrow?

Well, who know what tomorrow will bring.

**A/N: So I figured I'd try and write something from this new, conflicted Kate's P.O.V. I hope it's not too out of character. Or random.**

**Thoughts?**


End file.
